Many people, including myself, are afraid of getting angry. Because it is better to just be at peace with anyone, right? People around us has told us not to be angry at any time. It might be different in your situation, but seems that in my surrounding, people will tell me to chill out and not to show any anger. It is easier said than done, especially when you know that you have been treated wrong. I’m sure that when we live with other people, we will have more possibilities of getting angry or making other people angry. Why? Because we are imperfect. We perceive something based on what we think and that makes it seems offensive to us. Or we try to do something that intend to help other people, but it was considered intrusive to their life. Have you experience that? As much as we want, there will be a time when our emotion take over our mind and make us throw our anger. But, is anger is all bad? Are we not allowed to be angry at any time?

 

 

I found an interesting article about anger. I believe that most people will agree that you can be angry at certain time. But it’s hard to define when the right time is. This article explain about some benefit of getting angry. But remember, what I share is not a license so that you can justified for being angry all the time. This is only for you to find the time and reason on why you need to be angry. Unfortunately, the article is in Indonesian language. I’ll try to summarize and share something that might help you and me to understand about this subject.

As one of my friend once told me that words are like a toothpaste that you squirt out. once it’s out, it’s hard (almost impossible) to put it back in the tube. Likewise, our words (including anger) is almost impossible to be taken back once it’s out. Before we “explode” in anger, keep this question in mind, will we regret what we say that we have said it?

Here are 4 facts that the article stated about anger:
1. Anger is normal and healthy behavior
According to Charles Speilberger, Ph.D., a psychologist that took specialization study in anger. Anger is a normal and healthy behavior that act as one of the expression of human expression. Just like other emotional expression, anger have changes psychologically and biologically. When you are angry, the heartbeat and blood tension is rising. And so does the level of hormones, adrenaline and noradrelanine.

2. There are 4 different categories for anger
Mark Gorkin – a consultant in stop stress and violence – divide anger into 4 categories;
a. deliberate anger (conscious, and controlled anger),
b. spontaneous anger (sudden anger),
c. constructive anger (anger with a threat),000000000600
d. and destructive anger (anger that spilled out without thinking and no guilt feeling)

3. Anger is another form of communication.
Because there’s a time that people can understand better our intention when we’re angry. There are varieties in how to communicate anger. It depends on the culture that shape the person. In Japan, people become silent when they are angry because Japanese are not used to express their feeling. American, on the other hand, used to express their feelings like the tribe from Batak in Indonesia. A few years back, I have an English teacher who was Irish’s descents. He said that Irish tends to quick to be angry and quick to forgive. This is just an example that every culture has different way to show anger.

4. Anger is humane.
Anger that have negative impact is uncontrolled anger. if you can control your anger in the right way, then your anger will be ‘healthier’. it has been proven in a research that claims that anger is better than harbor bitterness in your heart.

It’s interesting how the article mentioned that there is healthy anger. healthy anger is an anger that has (valid) reasons that are not because subjectivity of the reason only. You throw your anger and annoyance appropriately by stating the reason of the annoyance. Don’t get angry because you just have emotional explosion and then to make it worse, you expressed it through abusive words, expression and behavior. This will harm other people and yourself. Therefore, in our anger, we need to use our head so that the anger will be controllable. On a side note, I heard this in radio, when you are angry, no matter how hot your heart is, let your head be cool.

I’ve seen some people seems to love to indulge in anger. You might know somebody who is like that. Or maybe, you and I have some problem with anger. It’s not only about spoken anger, but also unspoken anger. Not letting it out and hold grudges will harm your body as well. It is advisable to show anger appropriately.

Here are 4 steps to express healthy anger:

1. Identify the wrong attitude(s) and background that influence oneself to excessive anger.
Everyone has different past. You might be wondering that why somethings are sensitive to other people more than yourself. The things that might be fine for you, might be hurtful for others. We can’t control other people emotion. but what we can do is to identify your own reason why it happens. After you have finds it, reconcile with yourself. It has happened in the past. Don’t let it control you.

2. Identify factors that inhibits your ability to express anger.
Remember, anger itself is not wrong. Explosive anger and implosive anger are wrong. These factors might be influenced by fear, rejection, and ignorance. You read it right. Just because you are not expressing anger, it doesn’t mean you’re right. It might hurt you from the inside because you’re just can’t get over it. Remember, this is valid for those who keep the fault of others in their heart without forgiving the offense.

3. Learn the right way to express anger.
Just like playing golf, you’re not hitting the ball with the same club, but different terrain and distance will require different club, right? The same thing with anger. Handle each offense appropriately so that you can control the situation that make you angry and the way you get angry. I like the analogy that David Allen mentioned in his book Getting Things Done, which is like a body of water. When you throw a pebble to a still water, it react to the pebble. When you throw boulder, it react boulder. It never overreacts. So, in your anger, react appropriately.

4. Heal your “wound”.
It might be that you’re holding the anger that were imbued in your mind from emotional influence from destructive anger of somebody else. Forgive yourself and the offender. It has happened and nothing you can do to change it other than to forgive. It’s enough for that person to influence you.

Those are 4 facts and steps to handle anger appropriately. I hope it helps you and me to handle anger appropriately.

Question: how do you react to anger? how do you deal with anger?
“Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you. However, if it taught you to hold onto grudges, seek revenge, not forgive or show compassion, to categorize people as good or bad, to distrust and be guarded with your feelings then you didn’t learn a thing. God doesn’t bring you lessons to close your heart. He brings you lessons to open it, by developing compassion, learning to listen, seeking to understand instead of speculating, practicing empathy and developing conflict resolution through communication. If he brought you perfect people, how would you ever learn to spiritually evolve?” – Shannon L. Alder

Ephesians 4: 26 – “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,”